Dis saturday my college will organised a trip 2 camp permai. My frens owes force me 2 go. Bt i really cant because of my leg. I oso really hope 2 go since this is the 1st trip 2 go wit my collegemate n i can knw more abt my collegemate... Bt im not a healthy gal...my leg got prob, i cant really join their activities... They are goin 2 hav fun, n if i go, i can only c, n they will oso ned to take care n think of my sake. I dun wan 2 b lik dis...
I cant go oso since my parents wont allow. Bcoz of my leg, i cant do anthing, it restrict my life n my movement. whn i c ppl walking normally n no illness, i really envy them. Maybe for most ppl, they wont care hw i walk, o wat happen 2 my leg, as long as it is not fatal... bt i do care...i do mind.... i so scared whn ppl look at me, look at hw i walk........ i........ i oredi duno wat can i do nw.........
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Mooncake festival
14th September 2008...2day is a mooncake festival. First, i wan 2 say Happy MoonCake Festival 2 myself. Bt, im not happy after all. I oso didnt feel unhappy, it is more close 2 frustrated. This is hw i feel. Every years, im alone playing lantern o didnt play, i just c the kids playing happily 2gether n hear their laughing.. So happy, innocent and enjoy. Bt me.....LONELY dis word has haunted me for 18 years. I really envy those children. Sometimes, i do feel nice 2 be alone, bt my heart is not cooperate wit me. Whenever im enjoying the moment being alone, it make me think of sad things, my heart wan 2 tel me 'it' is crying inside.......bt y whn i put myself 2 cry, i cant cry, my tear wont fall....... izit bcoz im 2 frustrated oredi????????
I really hope every festival 2 come.. bt whn dat day really arrive, i never really feel happy o enjoy it.... My smile n my happiness is all fake...... I owes keep telling myself im happy, im vry happy, bt y whn im in my room, i cant smile anymore............
Im not happy for all the time izit?????? i duno...... i sometimes suspect myself got pyscho prob...... well, maybe......... dis year im vry li hai o...i didnt ask any 1 of myself 2 accompany me...i pass it all alone ALONE.........
I really hope every festival 2 come.. bt whn dat day really arrive, i never really feel happy o enjoy it.... My smile n my happiness is all fake...... I owes keep telling myself im happy, im vry happy, bt y whn im in my room, i cant smile anymore............
Im not happy for all the time izit?????? i duno...... i sometimes suspect myself got pyscho prob...... well, maybe......... dis year im vry li hai o...i didnt ask any 1 of myself 2 accompany me...i pass it all alone ALONE.........
Friday, September 12, 2008
Insonmia
2day is my final exam for 1st semester. The general biology paper is quite hard n i duno how to do while the Intro 2 biotech is still ok. This week i really get tired vry easily. n i oso dun hav mood to study at all. Everyday i went to college, studying and go out to eat wit frens. Althought my leg is vry painful bt i still look lik vry happy. One of my senior said dat im positive that althought i hav illness bt i still vry look vry happy lik nting happen.
Ya, i admit dat coz im a happy go lucku person. I wont show my sadness 2 anyone. And i just keep in my heart. Bt in real, i do feel sad, scared and pain in my heart. Althought all my fren care 4 me bt i still knw dat im different from them. I cant walk properly n my leg owes pain. N nw it is swollen. Im vry scared.
When i tell other ppl abt dis, they will console me and say is ok i cant walk properly, it is not a big deal compared to those really cacat. Bt, i cant really accept dis. Coz, i dun wan be tempang, coz im a gal...i everyday need to stand 4 my pain and i walk vry slowly oso. Even normal ppl walk oso not as slow as me. i dun wan 2 be different, so better say i dun wan anything happen 2 my leg.
Last time, i dun hav fren dat ask me go out so i hav 2 stay at home. O i hav 2 ask them go out. Bt nw, i got fren dat will ask me go out and hav fun wit them. Bt wat can i say????? I can only say no coz i cant walk properly. My leg got problem. When c them go out happily i will feel umcomfortable. Im a gal dat nobody will notice me, im so 'pin fan' dat nobody will care 4 my apperance or dissapperance. Bt if my leg is ok, i dun mind 2 b the 1 dat nobody will care abt bt nw my leg got prob, this make me feel im not belong here after all............
2day im so tired bt i still cant sleep bcoz of many unhappy things in my mind. I really hope 2 hav some1 who can listen 2 me n let me throw all my prob out.......bt i knw ther is no1 beside me anymore. The closet thing 4 me nw is my blog. I can cry whn i write my blog coz nobody will knw. I can bla a lot n it will not leave me or feel dat im troublesome. I oso no ned to fear dat it will get angry or disappointed. Blog oso will not judge me. Now, almost 1 am, bt im not sleepy at all, bt my heart fell vry 'sour' and pain.......
Ya, i admit dat coz im a happy go lucku person. I wont show my sadness 2 anyone. And i just keep in my heart. Bt in real, i do feel sad, scared and pain in my heart. Althought all my fren care 4 me bt i still knw dat im different from them. I cant walk properly n my leg owes pain. N nw it is swollen. Im vry scared.
When i tell other ppl abt dis, they will console me and say is ok i cant walk properly, it is not a big deal compared to those really cacat. Bt, i cant really accept dis. Coz, i dun wan be tempang, coz im a gal...i everyday need to stand 4 my pain and i walk vry slowly oso. Even normal ppl walk oso not as slow as me. i dun wan 2 be different, so better say i dun wan anything happen 2 my leg.
Last time, i dun hav fren dat ask me go out so i hav 2 stay at home. O i hav 2 ask them go out. Bt nw, i got fren dat will ask me go out and hav fun wit them. Bt wat can i say????? I can only say no coz i cant walk properly. My leg got problem. When c them go out happily i will feel umcomfortable. Im a gal dat nobody will notice me, im so 'pin fan' dat nobody will care 4 my apperance or dissapperance. Bt if my leg is ok, i dun mind 2 b the 1 dat nobody will care abt bt nw my leg got prob, this make me feel im not belong here after all............
2day im so tired bt i still cant sleep bcoz of many unhappy things in my mind. I really hope 2 hav some1 who can listen 2 me n let me throw all my prob out.......bt i knw ther is no1 beside me anymore. The closet thing 4 me nw is my blog. I can cry whn i write my blog coz nobody will knw. I can bla a lot n it will not leave me or feel dat im troublesome. I oso no ned to fear dat it will get angry or disappointed. Blog oso will not judge me. Now, almost 1 am, bt im not sleepy at all, bt my heart fell vry 'sour' and pain.......
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