The game is just started..... After my 1st operation, i thought after i rest for a period of time n bcareful, everything wil run smoothly... bt it didnt... my leg didnt recover at all... it bcome even worse.. the tumour bcome bigger n aggresive.. .
I duno im lucky o unlucky... the tumour is benign n wont spread 2 my other parts of the body, bt it ned time 2 totally get rid of it.. I really hope this is the last operation.. I mean it.. This is the last 1.. PLS!! i dun wan to play the game of life anymor... let me go pls.... dis tumour make me unable 2 cont my study... i feel frustrated of dat... i dun hav any confident 2 self study.. im not a genius...
next week is my midterm, bt bcoz of the operation, i cant concentrate.. i really lost my mind oredi... i squeezed everyting 2gether... i wan 2 do as much ting as i can b4 my operation bcoz i dun wan alang alang... bt will it possible.. i dun hav much time.. i feel tired easily lately n i dun hav mood oso.. wat i suppose 2 do...
haizzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....................................GOD!! PLS !!!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Sorry o !!
Dis saturday my college will organised a trip 2 camp permai. My frens owes force me 2 go. Bt i really cant because of my leg. I oso really hope 2 go since this is the 1st trip 2 go wit my collegemate n i can knw more abt my collegemate... Bt im not a healthy gal...my leg got prob, i cant really join their activities... They are goin 2 hav fun, n if i go, i can only c, n they will oso ned to take care n think of my sake. I dun wan 2 b lik dis...
I cant go oso since my parents wont allow. Bcoz of my leg, i cant do anthing, it restrict my life n my movement. whn i c ppl walking normally n no illness, i really envy them. Maybe for most ppl, they wont care hw i walk, o wat happen 2 my leg, as long as it is not fatal... bt i do care...i do mind.... i so scared whn ppl look at me, look at hw i walk........ i........ i oredi duno wat can i do nw.........
I cant go oso since my parents wont allow. Bcoz of my leg, i cant do anthing, it restrict my life n my movement. whn i c ppl walking normally n no illness, i really envy them. Maybe for most ppl, they wont care hw i walk, o wat happen 2 my leg, as long as it is not fatal... bt i do care...i do mind.... i so scared whn ppl look at me, look at hw i walk........ i........ i oredi duno wat can i do nw.........
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Mooncake festival
14th September 2008...2day is a mooncake festival. First, i wan 2 say Happy MoonCake Festival 2 myself. Bt, im not happy after all. I oso didnt feel unhappy, it is more close 2 frustrated. This is hw i feel. Every years, im alone playing lantern o didnt play, i just c the kids playing happily 2gether n hear their laughing.. So happy, innocent and enjoy. Bt me.....LONELY dis word has haunted me for 18 years. I really envy those children. Sometimes, i do feel nice 2 be alone, bt my heart is not cooperate wit me. Whenever im enjoying the moment being alone, it make me think of sad things, my heart wan 2 tel me 'it' is crying inside.......bt y whn i put myself 2 cry, i cant cry, my tear wont fall....... izit bcoz im 2 frustrated oredi????????
I really hope every festival 2 come.. bt whn dat day really arrive, i never really feel happy o enjoy it.... My smile n my happiness is all fake...... I owes keep telling myself im happy, im vry happy, bt y whn im in my room, i cant smile anymore............
Im not happy for all the time izit?????? i duno...... i sometimes suspect myself got pyscho prob...... well, maybe......... dis year im vry li hai o...i didnt ask any 1 of myself 2 accompany me...i pass it all alone ALONE.........
I really hope every festival 2 come.. bt whn dat day really arrive, i never really feel happy o enjoy it.... My smile n my happiness is all fake...... I owes keep telling myself im happy, im vry happy, bt y whn im in my room, i cant smile anymore............
Im not happy for all the time izit?????? i duno...... i sometimes suspect myself got pyscho prob...... well, maybe......... dis year im vry li hai o...i didnt ask any 1 of myself 2 accompany me...i pass it all alone ALONE.........
Friday, September 12, 2008
Insonmia
2day is my final exam for 1st semester. The general biology paper is quite hard n i duno how to do while the Intro 2 biotech is still ok. This week i really get tired vry easily. n i oso dun hav mood to study at all. Everyday i went to college, studying and go out to eat wit frens. Althought my leg is vry painful bt i still look lik vry happy. One of my senior said dat im positive that althought i hav illness bt i still vry look vry happy lik nting happen.
Ya, i admit dat coz im a happy go lucku person. I wont show my sadness 2 anyone. And i just keep in my heart. Bt in real, i do feel sad, scared and pain in my heart. Althought all my fren care 4 me bt i still knw dat im different from them. I cant walk properly n my leg owes pain. N nw it is swollen. Im vry scared.
When i tell other ppl abt dis, they will console me and say is ok i cant walk properly, it is not a big deal compared to those really cacat. Bt, i cant really accept dis. Coz, i dun wan be tempang, coz im a gal...i everyday need to stand 4 my pain and i walk vry slowly oso. Even normal ppl walk oso not as slow as me. i dun wan 2 be different, so better say i dun wan anything happen 2 my leg.
Last time, i dun hav fren dat ask me go out so i hav 2 stay at home. O i hav 2 ask them go out. Bt nw, i got fren dat will ask me go out and hav fun wit them. Bt wat can i say????? I can only say no coz i cant walk properly. My leg got problem. When c them go out happily i will feel umcomfortable. Im a gal dat nobody will notice me, im so 'pin fan' dat nobody will care 4 my apperance or dissapperance. Bt if my leg is ok, i dun mind 2 b the 1 dat nobody will care abt bt nw my leg got prob, this make me feel im not belong here after all............
2day im so tired bt i still cant sleep bcoz of many unhappy things in my mind. I really hope 2 hav some1 who can listen 2 me n let me throw all my prob out.......bt i knw ther is no1 beside me anymore. The closet thing 4 me nw is my blog. I can cry whn i write my blog coz nobody will knw. I can bla a lot n it will not leave me or feel dat im troublesome. I oso no ned to fear dat it will get angry or disappointed. Blog oso will not judge me. Now, almost 1 am, bt im not sleepy at all, bt my heart fell vry 'sour' and pain.......
Ya, i admit dat coz im a happy go lucku person. I wont show my sadness 2 anyone. And i just keep in my heart. Bt in real, i do feel sad, scared and pain in my heart. Althought all my fren care 4 me bt i still knw dat im different from them. I cant walk properly n my leg owes pain. N nw it is swollen. Im vry scared.
When i tell other ppl abt dis, they will console me and say is ok i cant walk properly, it is not a big deal compared to those really cacat. Bt, i cant really accept dis. Coz, i dun wan be tempang, coz im a gal...i everyday need to stand 4 my pain and i walk vry slowly oso. Even normal ppl walk oso not as slow as me. i dun wan 2 be different, so better say i dun wan anything happen 2 my leg.
Last time, i dun hav fren dat ask me go out so i hav 2 stay at home. O i hav 2 ask them go out. Bt nw, i got fren dat will ask me go out and hav fun wit them. Bt wat can i say????? I can only say no coz i cant walk properly. My leg got problem. When c them go out happily i will feel umcomfortable. Im a gal dat nobody will notice me, im so 'pin fan' dat nobody will care 4 my apperance or dissapperance. Bt if my leg is ok, i dun mind 2 b the 1 dat nobody will care abt bt nw my leg got prob, this make me feel im not belong here after all............
2day im so tired bt i still cant sleep bcoz of many unhappy things in my mind. I really hope 2 hav some1 who can listen 2 me n let me throw all my prob out.......bt i knw ther is no1 beside me anymore. The closet thing 4 me nw is my blog. I can cry whn i write my blog coz nobody will knw. I can bla a lot n it will not leave me or feel dat im troublesome. I oso no ned to fear dat it will get angry or disappointed. Blog oso will not judge me. Now, almost 1 am, bt im not sleepy at all, bt my heart fell vry 'sour' and pain.......
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Sorry...Im really sorry
Yest after i went to c Doc Lee, my mood not gud until now. Bcoz he said the thing in my leg bcome bigger n he afraid is tumour. So, he recommend us to ask opinion from A prof Pan from unimas. He is specialist in cancer n tumour. I knw it will be ok, coz the doc didnt say is something cancerous, he just say is invasive........so nting 2 b afraid of...bt im just 2 sensitive n think 2 much... B4 nwing the result, i wil cont 2 b sad n think negatively...
Apart from dat, im sad bcoz my leg is pain. It restrict my movement, so i feel depressed. Whn i c the ppl of my age, can jump,play n walk properly like a normal ppl, i feel sad, coz im different..i cant even walk properly...im ni longer as active as b4... i cannot wear high heel shoes, i cannot drive, i cannot do sports and activities dat i lik........n think of dis i wan 2 cry...
Since yest, i owes cry..coz i scared... mayb the thing wont b dat serious, every1 try 2 calm me down, bt i cannot control myself...i feel so depressed...bcoz of dis, i make bro kim unhappy..
i knw he care 4 me alot.. he dun wan me sad...bt i just cant control myself 2 b not sad...after he knw, he bcome so depressed..i try 2 cheer him out, bt i fail 2 do so......i feel so sorry 2 him....... i duno wat i can do........
Im really sorry...bcoz of me, he bcome so sad.......hope he will feel better 2mrw......i do wrong again.........haiz......
Apart from dat, im sad bcoz my leg is pain. It restrict my movement, so i feel depressed. Whn i c the ppl of my age, can jump,play n walk properly like a normal ppl, i feel sad, coz im different..i cant even walk properly...im ni longer as active as b4... i cannot wear high heel shoes, i cannot drive, i cannot do sports and activities dat i lik........n think of dis i wan 2 cry...
Since yest, i owes cry..coz i scared... mayb the thing wont b dat serious, every1 try 2 calm me down, bt i cannot control myself...i feel so depressed...bcoz of dis, i make bro kim unhappy..
i knw he care 4 me alot.. he dun wan me sad...bt i just cant control myself 2 b not sad...after he knw, he bcome so depressed..i try 2 cheer him out, bt i fail 2 do so......i feel so sorry 2 him....... i duno wat i can do........
Im really sorry...bcoz of me, he bcome so sad.......hope he will feel better 2mrw......i do wrong again.........haiz......
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Beijing Olimpik 2008 closing ceremony
2day is the last day of olimpik. The time really past so fast...it seem lik only yesterday i watched the opening ceremony and now oredi close. Seem a bit pity. 2day food fair oso is the last day. But i didnt go...... This year i only go 2 times. 4 me la, dis year, everything seem past so quickly.......Duno y....
2nite the closing ceremony is so amazing, the opening ceremony 2.........i lik the fuwa, so cute....2day i spent my time chatting chatting and chatting nia...i didnt do my assignment at all....haha.....Nvm, i still got time...
N im trying 2 ask hui something, bt duno y 2nite, i hesitated.........haiz...........anyway i oso make an effort 2 ask him.......but sometimes i feel sad oso bcoz i knw dat he, bro kim n i, three ppl cannot b forever bro n sis..there is still a different between us...bt the most important is dat i afraid our friendship wont last...i duno wan 2 lost them........
Am i thinking 2 much......haiz..who knws wat will happen in future....hehe.....
2nite the closing ceremony is so amazing, the opening ceremony 2.........i lik the fuwa, so cute....2day i spent my time chatting chatting and chatting nia...i didnt do my assignment at all....haha.....Nvm, i still got time...
N im trying 2 ask hui something, bt duno y 2nite, i hesitated.........haiz...........anyway i oso make an effort 2 ask him.......but sometimes i feel sad oso bcoz i knw dat he, bro kim n i, three ppl cannot b forever bro n sis..there is still a different between us...bt the most important is dat i afraid our friendship wont last...i duno wan 2 lost them........
Am i thinking 2 much......haiz..who knws wat will happen in future....hehe.....
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Old classmates
Yesterday i went to watch movie with my old classmates. I feel nothing actually, neither i feel weird nor strange. Just feel normal. We went to watch Meet the Dave at 12.30 noon. Before i went to watch movie, i got class, and Ms Liew bring us out to do research. 1st we went to boulevard, but the hypermarket is closed, so we went to coldstorage, at there we really feel no face. I wont ever want go back to that mall again.. wonder y?????????? bcoz..................i dun wan 2 say.....................
Ok...........go back 2 our topic.........after watching movie, we went to Tun Jugah, Parkson and places near there...Cant remember well....We have so many ppl and we all separate out. I oso duno i wat i do the whole afternoon wasting my time fooling around with those classmate. I dun really called them as fren, bcoz, we dun really owes chat, or really care for each other.
Then at nite, i went to Food fair. At there, i Leave the group.....i wan 2 be on my own and enjoy 2 be alone in the food fair. 1st time 2 go alone n buy so many food. Ha Ha...........And 1st time i go enjoy the view of garden n sit there and talk with bro kim. Ha ha..Im so happy and enjoy..... I oso got the chance walk with Bro Hui to the garden there. Ha ah.............well, got 2 bro wit me at the same time, i shld feel happy..........
Bt yest i dun really feel happy.......when talk with them, i feel my life is so complicated. In such a short period of time, many things have happen 2 me.........i feel so......i duno hw i feel, bt do feel i have gone through a lot of things in such a short period of time......who will ever know..........What a bad life i hav.....but i never blame any1, i dint blame the God, i oredi tink as simple as possible, try 2 hav a simply life as possible..........i really tired of my life..............really tired...................Wow, write until here oredi wan cry...........I think im not gonna proceed..........goodnite!!
Ok...........go back 2 our topic.........after watching movie, we went to Tun Jugah, Parkson and places near there...Cant remember well....We have so many ppl and we all separate out. I oso duno i wat i do the whole afternoon wasting my time fooling around with those classmate. I dun really called them as fren, bcoz, we dun really owes chat, or really care for each other.
Then at nite, i went to Food fair. At there, i Leave the group.....i wan 2 be on my own and enjoy 2 be alone in the food fair. 1st time 2 go alone n buy so many food. Ha Ha...........And 1st time i go enjoy the view of garden n sit there and talk with bro kim. Ha ha..Im so happy and enjoy..... I oso got the chance walk with Bro Hui to the garden there. Ha ah.............well, got 2 bro wit me at the same time, i shld feel happy..........
Bt yest i dun really feel happy.......when talk with them, i feel my life is so complicated. In such a short period of time, many things have happen 2 me.........i feel so......i duno hw i feel, bt do feel i have gone through a lot of things in such a short period of time......who will ever know..........What a bad life i hav.....but i never blame any1, i dint blame the God, i oredi tink as simple as possible, try 2 hav a simply life as possible..........i really tired of my life..............really tired...................Wow, write until here oredi wan cry...........I think im not gonna proceed..........goodnite!!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
1 month in Sedaya
This 1 month in Sedaya College really made me experience a lot of things. I get to knw many new friends and have a new prospect on life. Life seem different for me now because it is no longer same as in secondary school. We are like a big girls and boys there. No longer control by many strict rules.
I every Thursday will go out to eat wit my frends and we are having so much fun. Once in a week, i have to help college doing things oso bcoz i got apply for schlarship. N it is really fun when do it with many ppl. We oso very bsy doing assignment and experiments bt i no longer feel as stress as i in secondary school bcoz of exam. Dat time im the top student, i cannot lose even for 1 time, i really feel so much stress. Nw, i finally free coz i only compete wit myself. Well, there is also time i feel sad n depressed bcoz of a guy in my DBT class. He is so disturband and lik to disturb me. He oso lik 2 stick 2 me n i really scared of him. Im not gonna talk much abt dis guy and make my blog full of his bad things.
I oso have a new bro. At 1st, i never talk to him, only after recently we chat very often. He is nice and kind. We hav a lot of things in comman n i feel great ti hav him as my fren n bro. I wan tel him, 'welcome to my world' , bcoz i closed my world 2 any1 b4, nw im trying to open it to everyone. Maybe i cant really do it, bt i knw, Bui,Hui, Kim, Yimo, SWL, and LYY will knw my world very well. Bt bcoz some of them r my formal classmate, n we long time no c n keep in touch, there is a feeling of strange oredi.
2day im not very happy. Y ??? well, i dun wanna to mention. i really hope got some1 bside me, i just think 2 much. Nobody will be bside nw........ im all alone 2 cope wit everything. I wan cry,i wan tell the world hw cool my heart r nw, hw empty inside, bcoz nobody gonna knw hw hapi im in college. Hw lonely im, hw depressed im...........Mayb i dun seem unhappy, bt my heart told me to cry............ n i really cry.....hw stupid im...........Dun cry......
Ned 2 calm down, so hav 2 leave.......
I every Thursday will go out to eat wit my frends and we are having so much fun. Once in a week, i have to help college doing things oso bcoz i got apply for schlarship. N it is really fun when do it with many ppl. We oso very bsy doing assignment and experiments bt i no longer feel as stress as i in secondary school bcoz of exam. Dat time im the top student, i cannot lose even for 1 time, i really feel so much stress. Nw, i finally free coz i only compete wit myself. Well, there is also time i feel sad n depressed bcoz of a guy in my DBT class. He is so disturband and lik to disturb me. He oso lik 2 stick 2 me n i really scared of him. Im not gonna talk much abt dis guy and make my blog full of his bad things.
I oso have a new bro. At 1st, i never talk to him, only after recently we chat very often. He is nice and kind. We hav a lot of things in comman n i feel great ti hav him as my fren n bro. I wan tel him, 'welcome to my world' , bcoz i closed my world 2 any1 b4, nw im trying to open it to everyone. Maybe i cant really do it, bt i knw, Bui,Hui, Kim, Yimo, SWL, and LYY will knw my world very well. Bt bcoz some of them r my formal classmate, n we long time no c n keep in touch, there is a feeling of strange oredi.
2day im not very happy. Y ??? well, i dun wanna to mention. i really hope got some1 bside me, i just think 2 much. Nobody will be bside nw........ im all alone 2 cope wit everything. I wan cry,i wan tell the world hw cool my heart r nw, hw empty inside, bcoz nobody gonna knw hw hapi im in college. Hw lonely im, hw depressed im...........Mayb i dun seem unhappy, bt my heart told me to cry............ n i really cry.....hw stupid im...........Dun cry......
Ned 2 calm down, so hav 2 leave.......
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Big Big World
I’m a big big girl in a big big world It’s not a big big thing if you leave me But I do do feel that I too too will miss you much miss you much…I can see the first leaf falling it’s all yellow and nice It’s so very cold outside like the way I’m feeling inside I’m a big big girl in a big big world It’s not a big big thing if you leave me But I do do feel that I too too will miss you much miss you much…Outside it’s now raining and tears are falling from my eyes Why did it have to happen why did it all have to end I’m a big big girl in a big big world It’s not a big big thing if you leave me But I do do feel that I too too will miss you much miss you much…I have your arms around me warm like fire But when I open my eyes you’re gone…I’m a big big girl in a big big world It’s not a big big thing if you leave me But I do do feel that I too too will miss you much miss you much
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Chinese Valentine's day
2day is chinese valentine's day. Everyday 2day it will be raining bcoz of the couple who will only met once a year, so they feel sad n miss each other, so they cry....dat is wat my frend said...
well, i owes wanna find those two stars in the sky, bt it is cloudy, so cannot c.....haiz.... I duno wat 2 say, but i oso feel lik got a feeling inside my heart dat i wan 2 express it out...just simply duno hw...
A feeling of miss n love fill up my heart..... Loneliness,n happiness, sadness all are in my heart...n oso tiredness.... ha ha....
Mayb i will cont whn im not tired n ready to write............. or just leave it ........haha
well, i owes wanna find those two stars in the sky, bt it is cloudy, so cannot c.....haiz.... I duno wat 2 say, but i oso feel lik got a feeling inside my heart dat i wan 2 express it out...just simply duno hw...
A feeling of miss n love fill up my heart..... Loneliness,n happiness, sadness all are in my heart...n oso tiredness.... ha ha....
Mayb i will cont whn im not tired n ready to write............. or just leave it ........haha
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
What the hell with me ????????????
Talking about luv life shld not be involve in my life nw, bt i really miss something dat i ever gone through...Nw, everynight im watching a drama, n the couple inside ther make me think of many things. N the touching luv story from the goodybook make me more appreaciate wat i ever gone through. Bt i still hav 2 confess that i dun knw wat my heart wan, i only knw dat it is vry nice to be luv...I duno who i luv, i duno who i can luv, i oso duno y i wan 2 b in luv.............
Bt watching that drama something make me think of myself, i do feel heartache, and i feel the miss.......i hope 2 b with him........... i ned him........ bt i cannot do that........... i wan break up 1st, i luv other guy, im the 1 who r guilty and i cannot forgive myself.........
I duno wat shld i do............. izit true wat the book said? i hav depressent??? ...................... i realy duno...........i think i ned a psyco......
Bt watching that drama something make me think of myself, i do feel heartache, and i feel the miss.......i hope 2 b with him........... i ned him........ bt i cannot do that........... i wan break up 1st, i luv other guy, im the 1 who r guilty and i cannot forgive myself.........
I duno wat shld i do............. izit true wat the book said? i hav depressent??? ...................... i realy duno...........i think i ned a psyco......
Saturday, August 2, 2008
A wonderful day
Since i started my college life, im so bsy..even saturday and sunday oso need to do assignment.Althought we were given 1 week time,bt if i dun finish it 1st, later my workload will be getting more and more.Ok, lets forget abt it,lets talk about my wonderful day.
This morning i woke up and watched tv.I watched 'The Dread Dracula and....' i 4get the tittle..well,anyway,it is a nice movie. Then, i went to bath n had my lunch. Then, i went to do my assignment until my student came. I taught her for about 2 hours then i watched tv an read story. It is really a touching love story for me. I havent finish reading it because my dad want to bring me out. I wan to go boulevard, bt ther was a function goin on, so crowded, so i didnt manage to go.Then, i went 2 pc fair. It is so crowded oso..i hav to climb up n down the stair case.Haiz..my legs really tired...I saw my neighbour selling pc accessories at ther n a few familiar faces,bt didnt c those i wan 2 met.When i was abt to go back,my parents saw their old friends and me oso saw my friend Lian Kiat n his friends. He seem fatter..ha ha...sori to say dat...dun be angry..
At ther i oso can c firework, mayb is from the Kuching Fest...so beautiful, and tonight is so windy, the view ther oso are nice. I feel relax and enjoy. Just lik living in another world. I suddenly feel lik flying, very freedom and happy. Well, if got my love one with me, even nice. Bt, is nice oso to be alone. 2nite the city was so merrier...I really hope the time will stay ther, at that minute and stay at that second longer...I guess i knw wher i will go next time if im unhappy...So, my friends,do u knw wher to find me when im sad or angry..yea,taman kereta...ha ha...
Now happy time is past..ned to go back to my normal life, stop dreaming n keep working...i still hav a lot of assignment to do..im so lazy.......bt wat to do...
This morning i woke up and watched tv.I watched 'The Dread Dracula and....' i 4get the tittle..well,anyway,it is a nice movie. Then, i went to bath n had my lunch. Then, i went to do my assignment until my student came. I taught her for about 2 hours then i watched tv an read story. It is really a touching love story for me. I havent finish reading it because my dad want to bring me out. I wan to go boulevard, bt ther was a function goin on, so crowded, so i didnt manage to go.Then, i went 2 pc fair. It is so crowded oso..i hav to climb up n down the stair case.Haiz..my legs really tired...I saw my neighbour selling pc accessories at ther n a few familiar faces,bt didnt c those i wan 2 met.When i was abt to go back,my parents saw their old friends and me oso saw my friend Lian Kiat n his friends. He seem fatter..ha ha...sori to say dat...dun be angry..
At ther i oso can c firework, mayb is from the Kuching Fest...so beautiful, and tonight is so windy, the view ther oso are nice. I feel relax and enjoy. Just lik living in another world. I suddenly feel lik flying, very freedom and happy. Well, if got my love one with me, even nice. Bt, is nice oso to be alone. 2nite the city was so merrier...I really hope the time will stay ther, at that minute and stay at that second longer...I guess i knw wher i will go next time if im unhappy...So, my friends,do u knw wher to find me when im sad or angry..yea,taman kereta...ha ha...
Now happy time is past..ned to go back to my normal life, stop dreaming n keep working...i still hav a lot of assignment to do..im so lazy.......bt wat to do...
Sunday, July 27, 2008
A road lead to another
Before i choose to go UCSI,my choice is Swinburne.So,if i dun go 2 Sedaya,2mrw i will be goin to Swinburne studying foundation.I keep wondering wat my life will be if i go swin???wat if i dun go 2 sedaya open day at the 1st place???Wat wil happen if i choose 2 go swin??Wil it better than nw??
WEll,one road lead to another.If i go swin 2mrw,then i will not knw how my life will me at sadaya.Nw im at sadaya,so i will never knw wat will happen to me in swin.There are so many road to choose from,n we never knw wat will happen 2 us if we choose the road we didnt choose in the 1st place.Good or bad we oso duno.
Will i happier or feel more enjoy??will i........there r so many unsolve Q in my mind.Well,im just thinking 2 much.2mrw i will be goin to sedaya 2 study my biotech..............No choice anymore...good or bad,regret or not,i still hav 2 cont my road till it finish coz it is a one way street no U-turn.
WEll,one road lead to another.If i go swin 2mrw,then i will not knw how my life will me at sadaya.Nw im at sadaya,so i will never knw wat will happen to me in swin.There are so many road to choose from,n we never knw wat will happen 2 us if we choose the road we didnt choose in the 1st place.Good or bad we oso duno.
Will i happier or feel more enjoy??will i........there r so many unsolve Q in my mind.Well,im just thinking 2 much.2mrw i will be goin to sedaya 2 study my biotech..............No choice anymore...good or bad,regret or not,i still hav 2 cont my road till it finish coz it is a one way street no U-turn.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Feeling lost
Nw im studying at UCSI for abt one week.N i feel the course that i take is hard for me.I dun like bio,nt 2 say dun lik,it is the subj dat is hard to study.If nw im doing it with my formal classmate,well,maybe it will be stress 4 me bt i think at least im nt alone in the track.Nw,my class only 3 ppl,one of it transfer to swinburne,n im not really knw them well, n maybe i still could not adapt to the atmosphere there or maybe......
In short,im feeling im just alone going through this process.I feel dat im alone going to fight witout anyone guiding me or with me whn i ned someone wit me.I will be sad of going choosing this road n hard 4 me to going through,bt until i still havent really regret,i hope i wont regret in the future too.....
Last time i got my friends,Ah Bui and Hui wit me going through a process like exam n study bt nw im leaving alone.I duno which of the guy will be with me going through this road,bt i really hope both of them be with me whenever i need them...im really tired..i afraid i cannot gone through it......I must tell myself i hav to...
In short,im feeling im just alone going through this process.I feel dat im alone going to fight witout anyone guiding me or with me whn i ned someone wit me.I will be sad of going choosing this road n hard 4 me to going through,bt until i still havent really regret,i hope i wont regret in the future too.....
Last time i got my friends,Ah Bui and Hui wit me going through a process like exam n study bt nw im leaving alone.I duno which of the guy will be with me going through this road,bt i really hope both of them be with me whenever i need them...im really tired..i afraid i cannot gone through it......I must tell myself i hav to...
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Life in UCSI
So fast,i already study at UCSI 4 1 week.Well,my biotech class only got 3 gals n 1 boy.Life at there is ok,not so crowded and the teachers r nice.The only thing that make me feel dizzy is the subjects dat i study.I study general bio and intro 2 biotech 4 dis 2 mths semester.I really duno wat the lecturers r talking abt.I once r top student in school nw i will become the last student liao...uwahhhh.....
I oso have made friends with my classmate,mayb we still duno each other well,bt i hope time can make us become good friends and i can hav more friends.Im so bsy lately,teaching tuition,study and doing assignment.But i think it is more meaningful then after my operation.
Ok la,ned to do my assignment.........Ohya,1 more thing,last nite i chat with 007,n he really make me feel much relax.THx 007............
I oso have made friends with my classmate,mayb we still duno each other well,bt i hope time can make us become good friends and i can hav more friends.Im so bsy lately,teaching tuition,study and doing assignment.But i think it is more meaningful then after my operation.
Ok la,ned to do my assignment.........Ohya,1 more thing,last nite i chat with 007,n he really make me feel much relax.THx 007............
Monday, July 14, 2008
Happy Birhtday !!!!!!!!!!
2day is my birthday.Im old lo,18 years old..he he...oredi grown up,but just my age la,my thinking still nt so mature la...he he...Anyway,im happy wit myself nw,so no ned to change much just bcoz of my age.
This morning i went 2 UCSI college.We had orientation around 9am n finished around 10am.My biotech class got 3 person n all r girls.Actually there r 4,another 1 is a guy,but thrn he said he dun wan study anymore.He is from Swimburne n has finished his foundation course.He wan 2 study biotech so change to UCSI.But after listen 2 wat The principle said,he decided 2 go back to Swinburne n finished his degree.After the orientation,we got talk 4 about an hour,he seem odd 4 me...well,i still nt familiar in there,so feel all of them r weird.
Just nw,my dad bought me a mango cheese cake,mee,chicken n veg 2 celebrate my birthday wit my own family.My birthday wish is 2 get rich $$$$$..ha ha....ok,nw is my new start...4om 2mrw onwards,i will b goin 2 start my lesson,but my leg make me feel im diff from my collegemate.2day,i feel pain when i walk,i cant even step on it....haizzz....
This morning i went 2 UCSI college.We had orientation around 9am n finished around 10am.My biotech class got 3 person n all r girls.Actually there r 4,another 1 is a guy,but thrn he said he dun wan study anymore.He is from Swimburne n has finished his foundation course.He wan 2 study biotech so change to UCSI.But after listen 2 wat The principle said,he decided 2 go back to Swinburne n finished his degree.After the orientation,we got talk 4 about an hour,he seem odd 4 me...well,i still nt familiar in there,so feel all of them r weird.
Just nw,my dad bought me a mango cheese cake,mee,chicken n veg 2 celebrate my birthday wit my own family.My birthday wish is 2 get rich $$$$$..ha ha....ok,nw is my new start...4om 2mrw onwards,i will b goin 2 start my lesson,but my leg make me feel im diff from my collegemate.2day,i feel pain when i walk,i cant even step on it....haizzz....
Sunday, July 13, 2008
A new life
2nite my dad and all my aunt celebrated birthday wit me at BDC (皇上皇〕。Well,i celebrate it early bcoz everyone is free tonite and 2mrw i will b going 2 sch.My 1st day to UCSI.
Well,im going 2 make a brief summary before my real birthday and my new life begin.
Mon (7/7)
Well,as normal,i watched tv,online,playing games n chatting.Ah meow still wit me dat time,so i played wit him.Until dat nite,Ah bui came 2 bring me 2 Intelligent Tuition Centre to met Janet as she wan giv me thing to prepare 4 my tuition class.
Tues(8/7)
No ned to mention those normal routines la,everyday is the same.At night i went to Intelligent to start my 1st class of teaching english. Maybe im new,so the students dun dare to be naughty.There are 3 of them-2boys,1 gals and 1 absent.I knw they r vry naughty n noisy by their look,just they afraid to show it since they nt familiar to me.Maybe few days later,they will show me their 'real face'.And 2day oso ah meow has left me when ah bui bring me to Tuition centre,he took it away.I so sad.
Wed(9/7)
Still the same,as usual.Days time usually is the same 4 me everyday.At night if im not watching tv or online,then im teaching my cousin tuition Mandarin.So,i taught him 4 abt 2 hours,i really tired to teach sometimes,but it is my dream 2b a teacher-tuition teacher.2day i still mis my ah meow a lot.
Thurs(10/7)
Times really past very quickly,when i online n play games,i never knw how much time has run away.After play game,i giv tuition 2 a kindy 3 gal,she is nt so clever,so nt easy to teach.i really angry wit her sometimes till i pull her ear gently.But still not effect 4 her.She is quite slow in learning.Then i went out 2 hav a drink wit Jonathon-my tuitionmate.He bring me there n home.We had our drink at Kaya n Toast.Well,he is quite a nice guy,im glad 2 hav a friend lik him.I hope 2 hav more dis kind of friends.I never 4get abt my ah meow.
Fri (11/7)
Nting special,still dull n same.At night i dun giv tuition bcoz my cousin change it to Sunday since he is having his exam on Monday.So,i just watched tv n online.
Sat(12/7)
I woke up early in the morning and start to play game again.Until about 12 something i giv myself sometime to relax b4 my kindy 3 gal come 4 tuition.Then i watched smallville.Then,i went out.I didi went to satok sugarbun to eat spaggeti.So full....
Ok,and then 2day,bla bla bla...oredi mention...n nw is my time to sleep since 2mrw ned to sch liao..rest 4 so long,finally returned 2 sch....So lazy...Nighty nighty...
Well,im going 2 make a brief summary before my real birthday and my new life begin.
Mon (7/7)
Well,as normal,i watched tv,online,playing games n chatting.Ah meow still wit me dat time,so i played wit him.Until dat nite,Ah bui came 2 bring me 2 Intelligent Tuition Centre to met Janet as she wan giv me thing to prepare 4 my tuition class.
Tues(8/7)
No ned to mention those normal routines la,everyday is the same.At night i went to Intelligent to start my 1st class of teaching english. Maybe im new,so the students dun dare to be naughty.There are 3 of them-2boys,1 gals and 1 absent.I knw they r vry naughty n noisy by their look,just they afraid to show it since they nt familiar to me.Maybe few days later,they will show me their 'real face'.And 2day oso ah meow has left me when ah bui bring me to Tuition centre,he took it away.I so sad.
Wed(9/7)
Still the same,as usual.Days time usually is the same 4 me everyday.At night if im not watching tv or online,then im teaching my cousin tuition Mandarin.So,i taught him 4 abt 2 hours,i really tired to teach sometimes,but it is my dream 2b a teacher-tuition teacher.2day i still mis my ah meow a lot.
Thurs(10/7)
Times really past very quickly,when i online n play games,i never knw how much time has run away.After play game,i giv tuition 2 a kindy 3 gal,she is nt so clever,so nt easy to teach.i really angry wit her sometimes till i pull her ear gently.But still not effect 4 her.She is quite slow in learning.Then i went out 2 hav a drink wit Jonathon-my tuitionmate.He bring me there n home.We had our drink at Kaya n Toast.Well,he is quite a nice guy,im glad 2 hav a friend lik him.I hope 2 hav more dis kind of friends.I never 4get abt my ah meow.
Fri (11/7)
Nting special,still dull n same.At night i dun giv tuition bcoz my cousin change it to Sunday since he is having his exam on Monday.So,i just watched tv n online.
Sat(12/7)
I woke up early in the morning and start to play game again.Until about 12 something i giv myself sometime to relax b4 my kindy 3 gal come 4 tuition.Then i watched smallville.Then,i went out.I didi went to satok sugarbun to eat spaggeti.So full....
Ok,and then 2day,bla bla bla...oredi mention...n nw is my time to sleep since 2mrw ned to sch liao..rest 4 so long,finally returned 2 sch....So lazy...Nighty nighty...
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Just write for fun
Tonight i dunno wat 2 write in my blog,but i feel wan to write something.Only got 2 days left before my birthday and oso my school day.This is really a long holiday for me,n a lot of things happen during my long long holidays.All sweet,sour,bitter n spicy taste memories happen during dis holidays.
Starting after my SPM,1st time i went to work,1st time 2 realise my dream as a teacher,1st time went to Sabah,1st time went for xray n doing MRI,1st time went for operation,1st time use wheelchair,learn how to walk,1st time learn driving and pass my lisence test,n oso quarrel wit my family 4 a few times,break up wit bf and 1st time talk 2 my family abt my problems.
Well,everything got it 1st time,but i hope some of the event will only happen for one time bcoz 1 time is oredi enough 4 me..hope some of it will ne the 1st n last time dat i face....
Starting after my SPM,1st time i went to work,1st time 2 realise my dream as a teacher,1st time went to Sabah,1st time went for xray n doing MRI,1st time went for operation,1st time use wheelchair,learn how to walk,1st time learn driving and pass my lisence test,n oso quarrel wit my family 4 a few times,break up wit bf and 1st time talk 2 my family abt my problems.
Well,everything got it 1st time,but i hope some of the event will only happen for one time bcoz 1 time is oredi enough 4 me..hope some of it will ne the 1st n last time dat i face....
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Fear....Scare.....Confused....Sad
My Ah Meow has gone.My ex has taken it.I really mis him very much dat i will cry over it.Well,maybe it sound funny to cry over a cat,but i really sayang it,dats y i will feel sad and tak sanggup tinggalkan dia.but wat 2 do,he hav to go.
My ex and i always 纠缠不清,i really hope it will be over,but then now ah meow is wit him,i think is hard for me to clear our relationship.Haiz...Hope time can change everything.I dun wan ppl misundstand dat we still couple,dats all.
Dat day i went to consult the doc again and he said dat i can do most of the things dat normal ppl can do.I just cannot carry heavy load,run,jump or any sport activities.I feel glad to hear it.But today,i feel the pain on my angkle when walk or move it.I really scared because yest i wan to prevent my grandma from falling down so i went to suuport her n put too much effor on my leg.I really scared.i dun dare to let my family know abt it.
My other leg too got prob since early.I got tel my family once.but then maybe they hav forgotten.Nw i too scared to face it after my operation.I dun dare to remind my family again.I scared to c the doc again.I dun wan to hear any more bad news abt my leg again.I dun wan to bcome cacat.The feeling is too horrible.
Since small,i hav a weak body,i really duno hw to cont my life if i ned to face illness for the rest of my life..............
My ex and i always 纠缠不清,i really hope it will be over,but then now ah meow is wit him,i think is hard for me to clear our relationship.Haiz...Hope time can change everything.I dun wan ppl misundstand dat we still couple,dats all.
Dat day i went to consult the doc again and he said dat i can do most of the things dat normal ppl can do.I just cannot carry heavy load,run,jump or any sport activities.I feel glad to hear it.But today,i feel the pain on my angkle when walk or move it.I really scared because yest i wan to prevent my grandma from falling down so i went to suuport her n put too much effor on my leg.I really scared.i dun dare to let my family know abt it.
My other leg too got prob since early.I got tel my family once.but then maybe they hav forgotten.Nw i too scared to face it after my operation.I dun dare to remind my family again.I scared to c the doc again.I dun wan to hear any more bad news abt my leg again.I dun wan to bcome cacat.The feeling is too horrible.
Since small,i hav a weak body,i really duno hw to cont my life if i ned to face illness for the rest of my life..............
Monday, July 7, 2008
First Night
Yesterday night was my first night go into my bedroom to sleep after my operation.It is already about 5 months i sleep in the living room,i really dun get used to it when go upstair.I look into my bedroom n the surrounding,i dun really feel familiar wit it,duno y.
I lie on my bed n start thinking of my Kitten dat will leave me.I feel sad....WELL,im just too sentimental and sensitive...But,i really x sanggup tinggalkan anak kucing tu.Haiz,wat to do..It is too noisy and naughty.My mum always complain.
After dat,i think of my bro.Because i know dat when i face a situation like dis,he sure can calm me down.But,now he no longer help me get out of this.I hav to face it myself.Haiz....well,i guess dats all i wan to say,nw i gonna c my Ah Meow.................
I lie on my bed n start thinking of my Kitten dat will leave me.I feel sad....WELL,im just too sentimental and sensitive...But,i really x sanggup tinggalkan anak kucing tu.Haiz,wat to do..It is too noisy and naughty.My mum always complain.
After dat,i think of my bro.Because i know dat when i face a situation like dis,he sure can calm me down.But,now he no longer help me get out of this.I hav to face it myself.Haiz....well,i guess dats all i wan to say,nw i gonna c my Ah Meow.................
Hard to Say GooDbYe
Yesterday i saw dat guy again at Tun Jugah.Well,i duno who he is,but he seem familiar to me.He is indeed my Schoolmate, i think.The first time i saw him was at Sarawak Plaza,he was having a drink wit his friends,i suppose.Then,the second time i saw him was on the busy street near BDC.My dad drove through there and i accidentally saw him walking with his friends,if im not mistaken.I duno it is a coincidence or wat.I just know dat i never met a guy for many times in just a short period of time.Even my friends i never met them.well,lets forget about it,2day my topics is about a new comer-a KITTEN.
Last week,a black n white kitten came to my house.Since,it is small,no mother with it and hide in my backyard,so we kept it.It likes to meow,probably finding his mum or when he hungry,so i called it 'AH MEOW'.It is so cute,naughty and playful.It will climb tree,play ball,and chase insects.The ways he act really attract me and i like it so much especially when he run here n there.
Ah meow is very clean oso.He know where to go when he needs to go'toilet'.I still remember when he first come,he so afraid of us,when he saw us,he will run into his hiding place.Nw,my grandpa so sayang it,n me too.We give him eat 4 times a day,bath once a week,n play with it.He oso no longer afraid of us.N always tried to sneak into my house.He is sooooooooooooooo CUTE that i like it soooooooooooooooo MUCh.But,my mum dun like it because my nose is sensitive wit fur,and she afraid the cat's fur will fly everywhere in the house.So,wat to do,giv to ppl lo.
I plan to giv to my ex.Well,i dun trust he will take good care of it.But,that is the only choice i got.At least i can know Ah meow 's condition and ensure that it got freedom.If giv to my relativ,sur he will be locked and oso wit dogs around.If throw it sumwhere else,i afraid he will be torture and cant eat or sleep well or maybe being bully by other cats.Haiz,i really duno who can take good care of it.I know my ex wont,i dun trust him after all,but wat to do.I really worry about my kitten if i giv to him.I oso dun wan to separate wit my kitten.Haiz...............I cant say goodbye to it.I goona mis him so much.Oh..my'ah meow'...i wan spend time wit it before it gone..........i sure will mis his voice..meow meow meow.......
Monday, June 30, 2008
Find A way back Into LOVE
I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past,i just can't seem to move on
I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
just in case i ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corner of my mind
All i wanna do is find a way back into into Love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
oh oh oh
I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could see some direction
And i'm open to your suggestion
All i wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if i open my heart again
I guess i'm hoping you will be there in the end
There are moments when i don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way i feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All i wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if i open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that i'll be there for you in the end
一场游戏一场梦
不要谈什么分离 我不会因为这样而哭泣 那只是昨夜的一场梦而已
不要说愿不愿意 我不会因为这样而在意 那只是昨夜的一场游戏
那只是一场游戏一场梦 虽然你影子还出现我眼里 在我的歌声中
早已没有你 那只是一场有戏一场梦 不要把残缺的爱留在这里
在两个人的世界里 不该有你 喔 为什么道别你 又说什么在一起
如今虽然没有你 我还是我自己 说什么此情永不渝 说什么我爱你
如今依然没有你 我还是我自己
不要说愿不愿意 我不会因为这样而在意 那只是昨夜的一场游戏
那只是一场游戏一场梦 虽然你影子还出现我眼里 在我的歌声中
早已没有你 那只是一场有戏一场梦 不要把残缺的爱留在这里
在两个人的世界里 不该有你 喔 为什么道别你 又说什么在一起
如今虽然没有你 我还是我自己 说什么此情永不渝 说什么我爱你
如今依然没有你 我还是我自己
Monday, June 23, 2008
Oouch....My Heart
For about several months i didnt chat with my brother.I do hope to talk to him keep in touch with him.Finally last Wednesday i got the chance to sms with him,im so happy.I really hope we can be friend once more.He really can cheer me up and let me forget all my problems.After talking wit him i feel relax and my whole body become very light.The feel is really good.I know he wont care wat ever happen,but i hope i can tell him in my heart he will forever be my brother.Since i alwys call him brother that mean i never think of anything that shldnt be happen.Ya,i ever say i got feel with him,but i just want to keep it in my far end of my heart.But,will he ever know this???
And for my ex,well he is a person whom i can trust and tell him my problems.We still got keep in touch wit each other.Last night he asked me why we cant be together,i really dont know what should i say.I can feel the pain in my heart,very painful,i can feel the miss,but i just duno why i dont want to accept him anymore.i do feel heartache,i oso dont know why.My heart and my brain give me different signal.Im very rasional,but my heart seem already split into two part,one for my bro n one for my ex,dats why i cannot choose.Maybe i shldnt involve in love at the moment.
My condition now just like in a mandarin song that sound lik this:心里有话想说，心里的痛很痛。。。。。。
And for my ex,well he is a person whom i can trust and tell him my problems.We still got keep in touch wit each other.Last night he asked me why we cant be together,i really dont know what should i say.I can feel the pain in my heart,very painful,i can feel the miss,but i just duno why i dont want to accept him anymore.i do feel heartache,i oso dont know why.My heart and my brain give me different signal.Im very rasional,but my heart seem already split into two part,one for my bro n one for my ex,dats why i cannot choose.Maybe i shldnt involve in love at the moment.
My condition now just like in a mandarin song that sound lik this:心里有话想说，心里的痛很痛。。。。。。
Friday, June 13, 2008
Swinburne vs UCSI
Choices,choices,choices...........everyday i have to make choices,im almost crazy about it.But today,i dont have to think anymore,everything is solve,want or dun want,the thing cannot be returned anymore.
At first,im thinking which college to go.Now no ned lo.Ya,it cant be denied that Swinburne is better than UCSI,i also like Swinburne more than UCSI,but after thinking from many aspect i finally choose UCSI.This is because my father like me to study diploma in biotechnology,it is cheaper,more choices to complete my degree and shorter time.While,Swimburne,it is costly,longer time,n less choices 4 me to complete my degree.Besides that,my condition now is not suitable to go swimburne that has a lot of people.
If go to UCSI,i can complete my degree in KL or Australia with more college to choose.And,i can complete my degree in just 1 year,that mean i only study for 3 and half year then im a degree holder.I also can proceed to Master with a younger age.Meanwhile in Swimburne,i can complete my foundation here,then continue 1 year of degree then one the second year transfer to Swimburne in Australia.That mean i cant choose another college and it take 4 years or longer for biotechnology.But if go aus,i can pay malaysia fee in Swinburne,but not UCSI.
I like swinburne much more than UCSI,but i dun hav jodoh with Swin so i hav to let it go.Hope i can start my new life in UCSI.
At first,im thinking which college to go.Now no ned lo.Ya,it cant be denied that Swinburne is better than UCSI,i also like Swinburne more than UCSI,but after thinking from many aspect i finally choose UCSI.This is because my father like me to study diploma in biotechnology,it is cheaper,more choices to complete my degree and shorter time.While,Swimburne,it is costly,longer time,n less choices 4 me to complete my degree.Besides that,my condition now is not suitable to go swimburne that has a lot of people.
If go to UCSI,i can complete my degree in KL or Australia with more college to choose.And,i can complete my degree in just 1 year,that mean i only study for 3 and half year then im a degree holder.I also can proceed to Master with a younger age.Meanwhile in Swimburne,i can complete my foundation here,then continue 1 year of degree then one the second year transfer to Swimburne in Australia.That mean i cant choose another college and it take 4 years or longer for biotechnology.But if go aus,i can pay malaysia fee in Swinburne,but not UCSI.
I like swinburne much more than UCSI,but i dun hav jodoh with Swin so i hav to let it go.Hope i can start my new life in UCSI.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
SALE,SALE,SALE,everywhere sale
It has been along time i didnt go out because i cannot walk.Now,i can walk a bit,but not like normal people that natural la,and sometime feel hard to walk.Last time,walking is easy,now is hard for me.So pity!!!Ok,since i know i can start to walk,i began to go SHOPPING.Now,every thing increase in prices like rice and oil,people life become more difficult now,but i spent more than before just to go shopping.
I go from one shopping mall to another during that few days of holidays.I walked for hours and hours.Well,i do hope my leg wont have too much pressure.I went to BOULEVARD and THE SPRING to buy clothes.Even though got discount,10%,20%,50%,but the the clothes there are still expensive because all are branded like Nicole,Diesel,Rock,Vios,Emilio and more......The cloth there are so beautiful and ofcoz the price also very 'beautiful'.Heh heh....Despite of the price,i still buy a few clothes.one jacket RM99,one skirt RM99,one tshirt,RM80,ONe jean RM150,one spectacle with coloured lens RM250........This is the type of clothes that i used to buy,and until today i still havent finished buying.I duno RM1000 enough for me to spend in one day or not.I plan to go shopping again tomorrow and next week.he he
Wow,now economic not good ah,my dad work and need to feed 5 people,and my college fee oso.Hey girl,dont spend too much,u know how hard to earn money,dont be a spendthrift.Now,buy rice also need to think carefully,dont spend the money on branded clothes anymore.Learn how to save.THINK BEFORE U SPEND.
I go from one shopping mall to another during that few days of holidays.I walked for hours and hours.Well,i do hope my leg wont have too much pressure.I went to BOULEVARD and THE SPRING to buy clothes.Even though got discount,10%,20%,50%,but the the clothes there are still expensive because all are branded like Nicole,Diesel,Rock,Vios,Emilio and more......The cloth there are so beautiful and ofcoz the price also very 'beautiful'.Heh heh....Despite of the price,i still buy a few clothes.one jacket RM99,one skirt RM99,one tshirt,RM80,ONe jean RM150,one spectacle with coloured lens RM250........This is the type of clothes that i used to buy,and until today i still havent finished buying.I duno RM1000 enough for me to spend in one day or not.I plan to go shopping again tomorrow and next week.he he
Wow,now economic not good ah,my dad work and need to feed 5 people,and my college fee oso.Hey girl,dont spend too much,u know how hard to earn money,dont be a spendthrift.Now,buy rice also need to think carefully,dont spend the money on branded clothes anymore.Learn how to save.THINK BEFORE U SPEND.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Life's story
I often feel that our life is just like a story that is written by God.God create us and make a life's story for all of us.Everything that we gone through is already being arrange by God.It cant be denied that we have to make a lot of choices in our life and each choice will lead us to a road,whether it is good or bad.But,sometimes no matter how we plan of our future,it may not turn into the way we want.
Like me,since small i dont have siblings and i do every things on my own until i grown up now.When i reflash back,all the ways from im small until now,it is just like a story-My life's story.What is life??I really dont know.Living in this world,be a human being is not an easy stuff.We will face many problems like financial,study,love and friendship.We cant avoid it.For me,life is harsh.
I like to have a simply life.Living happily,enjoy freedom and carefree.Life like that is just like heaven.I need to struggle for excellent result in school and it is really tiring and stressful.Even when i rest,my heart still stick to study because i know if i cant get good result,my family will be dissapointed.Im their only child,their only hope.But,nobody would ever understand me or i should say nobody will care how i feel.
This world is very cruel.People come only when you are rich,when can have fun and when they can get benefit.But,people leave whenyou are poor,when you are in trouble and when they think you need their help.For me,all the people are same,not so good,n not so bad.But,i dont have a true friend.I cant find any sincere friend that can talk with me and share everything with me.Well,i guess blog is my only friend.
I got a classmate that tell me that i shouldnt live in my own world,i should communicate more.So,i tried.But,no matter how,i still cannot squeeze into the society.Like in class,i tried to make friend with them and close with them,but nobody will care im there or not,im just an outsider.
Now,i still not sure i should call them friends or classmate or tuitionmate or just someone that i know.When im in trouble,i find them to help me and care for me.On the other hand,when they need help,im always around,listen to them,help them and console them.I duno izit my problem or their problem.Like this year i went to do operation,done of my friend ask about it,or really care about me.Well,there are a few that ask about my condition la,but i dont know is caring for a friend or just pity me.I open my heart to make friends but their turn me down.When i close my heart n live on my own world,thay encourage me to have more sosial life.What kind of world is that???
This few days,when i close my eyes i will think of my past time and him.It is really torturing.I wish to forget all of it.If now got an angel ask me what wish i got,i will wish to forget my time in SMK Pending.Because nobody will care about my appearance or dissaperance.Nobody care im there or not.Nobody will feel that im missing.Just like what i like to say,with or without me is not important at all.Only my exbf will feel it.But i dont have the chance to appreaciate him.This world is really so cruel to me.I dont have siblings,dont have friends,im not important living in this world after all.Im just too much.Luckily i got family that love me so much and pampered me.
Talking so much,who will care?Seeing people go out with a group of friends laughing and talking,so good.Im so envy.But i never have that chance.Im just a person that nobody will care and remember.Maybe after a few years,i still remember that damn SMK pending,but they already forget about me.
It seem like im so ko lian and desperate.Ya,it is true.That is my life,the story that God give.Nobody will interested in me.Who am i for them?A person that are not necessary to appear.Well,i guess i better dissapear.Life no meaning for me after all.Byeeee Byeee world!!!!!!!!
Like me,since small i dont have siblings and i do every things on my own until i grown up now.When i reflash back,all the ways from im small until now,it is just like a story-My life's story.What is life??I really dont know.Living in this world,be a human being is not an easy stuff.We will face many problems like financial,study,love and friendship.We cant avoid it.For me,life is harsh.
I like to have a simply life.Living happily,enjoy freedom and carefree.Life like that is just like heaven.I need to struggle for excellent result in school and it is really tiring and stressful.Even when i rest,my heart still stick to study because i know if i cant get good result,my family will be dissapointed.Im their only child,their only hope.But,nobody would ever understand me or i should say nobody will care how i feel.
This world is very cruel.People come only when you are rich,when can have fun and when they can get benefit.But,people leave whenyou are poor,when you are in trouble and when they think you need their help.For me,all the people are same,not so good,n not so bad.But,i dont have a true friend.I cant find any sincere friend that can talk with me and share everything with me.Well,i guess blog is my only friend.
I got a classmate that tell me that i shouldnt live in my own world,i should communicate more.So,i tried.But,no matter how,i still cannot squeeze into the society.Like in class,i tried to make friend with them and close with them,but nobody will care im there or not,im just an outsider.
Now,i still not sure i should call them friends or classmate or tuitionmate or just someone that i know.When im in trouble,i find them to help me and care for me.On the other hand,when they need help,im always around,listen to them,help them and console them.I duno izit my problem or their problem.Like this year i went to do operation,done of my friend ask about it,or really care about me.Well,there are a few that ask about my condition la,but i dont know is caring for a friend or just pity me.I open my heart to make friends but their turn me down.When i close my heart n live on my own world,thay encourage me to have more sosial life.What kind of world is that???
This few days,when i close my eyes i will think of my past time and him.It is really torturing.I wish to forget all of it.If now got an angel ask me what wish i got,i will wish to forget my time in SMK Pending.Because nobody will care about my appearance or dissaperance.Nobody care im there or not.Nobody will feel that im missing.Just like what i like to say,with or without me is not important at all.Only my exbf will feel it.But i dont have the chance to appreaciate him.This world is really so cruel to me.I dont have siblings,dont have friends,im not important living in this world after all.Im just too much.Luckily i got family that love me so much and pampered me.
Talking so much,who will care?Seeing people go out with a group of friends laughing and talking,so good.Im so envy.But i never have that chance.Im just a person that nobody will care and remember.Maybe after a few years,i still remember that damn SMK pending,but they already forget about me.
It seem like im so ko lian and desperate.Ya,it is true.That is my life,the story that God give.Nobody will interested in me.Who am i for them?A person that are not necessary to appear.Well,i guess i better dissapear.Life no meaning for me after all.Byeeee Byeee world!!!!!!!!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Memories that will always kept in my deep heart
Time really past very quickly.Almost all my friends went to study already,some go for form 6 and some go to college,i oso waiting to study too.It seem like only yesterday we just finished our SPM.(Just bluffing..he he..actually is very long liao).One day past and the another day follow up,people come,people leave,that is life.It is just like the memories that follow us all the way through our life,any sweet and sour memories will never be forgotten even thought sometimes we may wish to.
How about own memories??It is even hard to forget.I still remember the 1st time i went to study in Kindergarden.That time i dont want to go to school n i cried and cried everytime im told to go to school.Then,i went to primary school,at 1st i still like to cry and dont want to go to school,but as time pasess,i dont cried anymore.I like to play with my friends and talk with them.But that time,im still small and innocent.Until secondary school,i began to feel how hard to gone through a life.I start to understand more things and experience more things too.Sometimes,i will feel like want to give up,but i know i cannot,i must be strong,so that i will success.Until form 4,everyting start to change,a big change from A-Z.I started to experince love besides study.Well,im still putting study in 1st place,so i never mix my problemn emotion with my study.
Talking about love,it really leave many memories for me.For example,the most unforgetful memory is im falling in love with a guy i shouldnt love.Ok,now is story time,my love story.The story start long long ago.......................=.=,ha ha,just kidding.The story began when i was dating with my bf.With him i have chance to know more about my classmate,before im with him,i know nting with my classmate and i seldom communicate with them. This is how i get to know him.Actually i and him not so close,just whenever im boring,and got problem im sure will find him because he is just like,just like an angel for me.He will always cheer me up and make me happy.Maybe is because i like to use him to make my bf jeolous,so i slowly began to have feel with him.But i never hope he will love me,i just hope he will always be my brother,be my angel that cheer me up and help me when i need him.I oso dont want to lose a friend like him.I thought like this i will never lose him,but it seem like after he know my feel,he start to avoid me.Well,it is ok for me,i oso decide to put all the thing related to love away.I oso Break up with my bf,ofcoz not because of him.It is because i dont want to involve in love anymore.Losing a friend will make me feel lonely,and regret.I never thought that our friendship will change,so it is a kind of thing i never expect.Today is his Birthday but i dont have a change to celebrate with him.I ever say i will make a party for him,but now.......well he oso dont need me to celebrate with him.Maybe he oso already forget.But i really hope he will receive my sincerity to be his friend and the best birthday wish.I hope the lucky star i made will deliver my wish for him.I wish him,healthy and happy,n ofcoz doing well in his study.I sure will regret for not celebrate with him,but i can only keep it in my heart.This few days all the memory about his always flash through my mind.I really happy when thing of it.Sometimes i feel lucky oso because if we really are couple,maybe the sweet memory will fade just like me and my ex.
Today my friend sent someting for me,"Life only pass us once,today"s moment becomes tomorrow memory.Enjoy every moment,good or Bad,coz the gift of life is life itself-Happy everyday."It really bring meaning for me.
How about own memories??It is even hard to forget.I still remember the 1st time i went to study in Kindergarden.That time i dont want to go to school n i cried and cried everytime im told to go to school.Then,i went to primary school,at 1st i still like to cry and dont want to go to school,but as time pasess,i dont cried anymore.I like to play with my friends and talk with them.But that time,im still small and innocent.Until secondary school,i began to feel how hard to gone through a life.I start to understand more things and experience more things too.Sometimes,i will feel like want to give up,but i know i cannot,i must be strong,so that i will success.Until form 4,everyting start to change,a big change from A-Z.I started to experince love besides study.Well,im still putting study in 1st place,so i never mix my problemn emotion with my study.
Talking about love,it really leave many memories for me.For example,the most unforgetful memory is im falling in love with a guy i shouldnt love.Ok,now is story time,my love story.The story start long long ago.......................=.=,ha ha,just kidding.The story began when i was dating with my bf.With him i have chance to know more about my classmate,before im with him,i know nting with my classmate and i seldom communicate with them. This is how i get to know him.Actually i and him not so close,just whenever im boring,and got problem im sure will find him because he is just like,just like an angel for me.He will always cheer me up and make me happy.Maybe is because i like to use him to make my bf jeolous,so i slowly began to have feel with him.But i never hope he will love me,i just hope he will always be my brother,be my angel that cheer me up and help me when i need him.I oso dont want to lose a friend like him.I thought like this i will never lose him,but it seem like after he know my feel,he start to avoid me.Well,it is ok for me,i oso decide to put all the thing related to love away.I oso Break up with my bf,ofcoz not because of him.It is because i dont want to involve in love anymore.Losing a friend will make me feel lonely,and regret.I never thought that our friendship will change,so it is a kind of thing i never expect.Today is his Birthday but i dont have a change to celebrate with him.I ever say i will make a party for him,but now.......well he oso dont need me to celebrate with him.Maybe he oso already forget.But i really hope he will receive my sincerity to be his friend and the best birthday wish.I hope the lucky star i made will deliver my wish for him.I wish him,healthy and happy,n ofcoz doing well in his study.I sure will regret for not celebrate with him,but i can only keep it in my heart.This few days all the memory about his always flash through my mind.I really happy when thing of it.Sometimes i feel lucky oso because if we really are couple,maybe the sweet memory will fade just like me and my ex.
Today my friend sent someting for me,"Life only pass us once,today"s moment becomes tomorrow memory.Enjoy every moment,good or Bad,coz the gift of life is life itself-Happy everyday."It really bring meaning for me.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
^^^^^^Another nightmare^^^^^^^^^
After i went to see Dr.Lee,i really glad that my leg is getting better.But two days later,1st may,i went for another operation.My toe got infection and the nail went inside my skin,so have to remove it.So,i went for operation and live in hospital for one night.
Im very pity right?So coincidence,i operate 2 times on the same leg.I will never forget,how misery im.Eat so many medicine,put needle on my hand,injection and how many holes on my hand.I went in and out from Kuching Specialist hospital for so many times.I think my family should be awarded for VIP,the most valued customes of KPJ hospital because we always went in and out there.We almost know all the nurses and doctors.They also very familiar with us.
That night,my dad bring me to see the doctor,and he said need to refer to Dr Lee,because he is the one who done operation for me.So,we wait till around 9 pm someting,then i had my operation.The nurses(guys) know i scared when they put needle on my hand,so always make me laugh,that why i didnt cry.Hehe.Then,slowly im being pushed into the operating room,the hospital has upgrade their operating room with new light (1st in east Msia) and im so 'lucky' to see it. =.=
Maybe it is a small operation,but the medicine make me sick.I feel not very well after consuming the med.Haizzzzzzzz.................nting much i can do nw.I thought everything would be getting better when my angkle is healing,but another problem appear.
Haizz...nw i can only take care of my health and get well soon.Oh MY GOD.........im so Misery nw...
Im very pity right?So coincidence,i operate 2 times on the same leg.I will never forget,how misery im.Eat so many medicine,put needle on my hand,injection and how many holes on my hand.I went in and out from Kuching Specialist hospital for so many times.I think my family should be awarded for VIP,the most valued customes of KPJ hospital because we always went in and out there.We almost know all the nurses and doctors.They also very familiar with us.
That night,my dad bring me to see the doctor,and he said need to refer to Dr Lee,because he is the one who done operation for me.So,we wait till around 9 pm someting,then i had my operation.The nurses(guys) know i scared when they put needle on my hand,so always make me laugh,that why i didnt cry.Hehe.Then,slowly im being pushed into the operating room,the hospital has upgrade their operating room with new light (1st in east Msia) and im so 'lucky' to see it. =.=
Maybe it is a small operation,but the medicine make me sick.I feel not very well after consuming the med.Haizzzzzzzz.................nting much i can do nw.I thought everything would be getting better when my angkle is healing,but another problem appear.
Haizz...nw i can only take care of my health and get well soon.Oh MY GOD.........im so Misery nw...
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Medical Check Up
Dub dab,dub dab.........My heart beats very fast because today i will be going for my medical check up after two months of operation.I wonder what the doctor will say about my angkle.
Finally,i arrived at Kuching Specialist Hospital.I went for xray first.The nurses and guards there are very nice.They all know about me because im funny..heh heh...and i cried when emit to the hospital from ground floor to my wad,and also because i like them and i always going in and out there...heh heh..Everyone of them care about me,they know i still small,so always tried to tell joke to me when taking injection,taking my blood,and puting needle on my small hand.Now i know why they receive many cards from the patients.
After xray,i went to see Dr Lee.He says:Very good,can walk without clutches now,but need extra careful when walk.Cannot put so much weight and cannot climb up the staircase."Im very happy to hear that but cannot go upstair,that mean i need to sleep in the living room for another couples of months,haiz...almost half year i cannot see my bedroom..how i miss my warm bed..
Anothe thing is,i afraid to walk. I afraid to step on the floor,so i still depend on clutches.Dont know when i can confront my fear and start to walk again?????
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Friends
It is another day again.One day past and the other day follow up.Since my SPM,i have not seen my schoolmates and tuitionmates for about 4 months.Tonight,i went out with my parents and we went to 'Fork and Knife restaurant and cafe' to eat.We planned to go to The Spring to buy doughnut but the people all queue up like a dragon,so my dad didnt buy for me.Thats why we appear at that new opening western food restaurant and knock into my schoolmate(Maureen).She is my formal classmate during Form 3,then when in Form 4,we were in different classes.
We are not friend,but just know each other.And i ever invite her to my gathering too.We wave to each other at first,and then when she was about to leave,she talked to me.Now,she is studying multimedia at Swimburne,that means she will be my collegemate again.She is more beautiful and look elegant now.
On the way home,i saw another tuitionmate.I dont know her well,just roughly know something about her.Meeting those two old friends make me think of my school time.How i rushed for tuition after school,the time i spend on doing homework and revision,how i spend my time with my friends and etc.Those school time memories will left behind as time past because i will have to go on with my life and more and more memories will be created.
Thinking of my school time,i really have fun time with my classmates.Since primary school,my class were like monkey and they were very funny.So,we always laugh during lesson times.I still remember during form 3,my Sejarah teacher is very funny.The ways he taught us were interesting.But at the same time we afraid of him.He is fierce and like to ask us questions.He also bring "rotan" to class just like in primary school.
Well,there is also time which i acted silly in school.In Malaysia map,where is Sabah located???Sure many will know the answer.But in form 3,when geography teacher asked me,i dont know how to answer.Actually i know the answer,but im not sure and no confident.The main reason is because i havent prepare for the class,im doing my own work that time,thats why i dont know what to do when teacher ask me that.How embarassing!!!!!!!!But actually,it is not a big deal,at least i can learn from mistakes.I never pay attention on our Malaysia map,from that day onwards i studied our Malaysia map till i can recognised every cities and states in Malaysia.My friends are the one who help me how to recognise the states,so i really have to thank them.Ha ha....
When i heard that many of my schoolmates will go to swimburne to study,i feel relief because i know that im not alone.I got people that i know,even thought different batch,studying there.I got friends in there.Im not alone in facing those strangers.I will have new friends and more over i will have a strong friendship with my old friends.
FRIENDSHIP NEVER LAST.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Miss and Love
'Wah,he is handsome'.This is what normally girls would said when they see a perfect guy-fit,strong,tall,cool and stylist.Me???ofcourse same as other girls...thats is why i called myself super duper playgirl.Ha Ha....I mostly chat online with some 'orang putih' .Well,at that moment i called them temperary 'boyfriend' because they are boys. heh heh...
Well,it has been a long time since i chat with those people.Almost 2 years.Quite a very long time.Wonder why???????I busy with my studies,that is my 1st reason.I struggle very hard to get good results.All my mood to flirt all give to my books.Ya,flirt with my 'lovely books' so that i could achieve excellent results.
During Form 4,i met many new friends from my club rekasains.Mostly boys.Got a XXX guy fall in love with me,emm actually two...heh heh....just i never know........I started a 2 months(cant remember clearly) relationship with him,then break up.Well,as a playgirl,sure i will sad and heartache because it was in reality not my online 'bf'.But,i never consider that as 1st love because i got too many temperary bf till i dont know which is which.Well,just forget about those childish time.I already bored of it and forget half of it.
Then,my 2nd secret admirer(CTB) is in my class.At first we just sent messages then went out.Just like any couples does.We gone through sweet and sour together.At the same time,we struggle for SPM too.But,our relationship always encounter problems.1st few months,a problem will not become a problem for me and him,because we just started.After about half year,all the problems come together.I jeolous him with a girl at 1st,then he jeolous me with a guy(007).007 is his best friend and mine too.He is playful and know how to cheer me up.With him im very happy and comfortable.Maybe is because of this i feel that he is important to me too.Because of this,my problem with him become deeper.So,i spend a lot of time with 007.So,time just past.I never solve my problem because of my SPM is near.
Until recently,we break up.why??? I also not sure why.If u ask me who I miss the most,i cant tell you.WHo is the most important to me,I also cant tell.
When i feel sad and depressed,i will think of 007,he sure will cheer me up.When im boring,CTB will be there,24 hours for me.So,in short,i need both.I know i shouldnt be so stubborn,i should let 1 go. So i let 007 go 1st.Then,i break up with CTB.Well,CTB never give up on me,keep in touch with me and be with me.I dont know what should i do.A playgirl suddenly not interested in love now.The only thing still got inside my heart is miss.Since i need both of them,i want them to be with me anytime when i need them just like friends.Dont know my heart will fall on which guys but i know that since i cant make my decision now,just let it be.I will know the answer naturally as time pass and as i become mature.Sometimes thing that we cant decide by ourselves,we only can let destiny to make the choice for us.But if destiny also cant help,then we should let it go and begin a new life.Talking about new life,when will i start a new fresh life again???
Well,ikut takdir and nasib.
Well,it has been a long time since i chat with those people.Almost 2 years.Quite a very long time.Wonder why???????I busy with my studies,that is my 1st reason.I struggle very hard to get good results.All my mood to flirt all give to my books.Ya,flirt with my 'lovely books' so that i could achieve excellent results.
During Form 4,i met many new friends from my club rekasains.Mostly boys.Got a XXX guy fall in love with me,emm actually two...heh heh....just i never know........I started a 2 months(cant remember clearly) relationship with him,then break up.Well,as a playgirl,sure i will sad and heartache because it was in reality not my online 'bf'.But,i never consider that as 1st love because i got too many temperary bf till i dont know which is which.Well,just forget about those childish time.I already bored of it and forget half of it.
Then,my 2nd secret admirer(CTB) is in my class.At first we just sent messages then went out.Just like any couples does.We gone through sweet and sour together.At the same time,we struggle for SPM too.But,our relationship always encounter problems.1st few months,a problem will not become a problem for me and him,because we just started.After about half year,all the problems come together.I jeolous him with a girl at 1st,then he jeolous me with a guy(007).007 is his best friend and mine too.He is playful and know how to cheer me up.With him im very happy and comfortable.Maybe is because of this i feel that he is important to me too.Because of this,my problem with him become deeper.So,i spend a lot of time with 007.So,time just past.I never solve my problem because of my SPM is near.
Until recently,we break up.why??? I also not sure why.If u ask me who I miss the most,i cant tell you.WHo is the most important to me,I also cant tell.
When i feel sad and depressed,i will think of 007,he sure will cheer me up.When im boring,CTB will be there,24 hours for me.So,in short,i need both.I know i shouldnt be so stubborn,i should let 1 go. So i let 007 go 1st.Then,i break up with CTB.Well,CTB never give up on me,keep in touch with me and be with me.I dont know what should i do.A playgirl suddenly not interested in love now.The only thing still got inside my heart is miss.Since i need both of them,i want them to be with me anytime when i need them just like friends.Dont know my heart will fall on which guys but i know that since i cant make my decision now,just let it be.I will know the answer naturally as time pass and as i become mature.Sometimes thing that we cant decide by ourselves,we only can let destiny to make the choice for us.But if destiny also cant help,then we should let it go and begin a new life.Talking about new life,when will i start a new fresh life again???
Well,ikut takdir and nasib.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Psycology Problems
hAIZ....yesterday night i noticed that 1 of my toe is inflammed and pain.My family said that is ok.But after my operation,it leave a big impact on my life.Last time,i believed what my parents and grandparents said,but now,what they said have no more power on me.Maybe they said that toe is fine,but i still got bad feel about that toe.I really scared.
Only a small health problem will lead me to think negatively.I feel that im very unhealthy and i got many illness.Since small im very easy to fall sick,but those are just small matter like fever,coughing and flu.It is easy to be cured.But now,my sickness seem become more complicated.A small matter already need to see specialist and do many test.I dont understand why im the one who suffer a lot???Why me?????From my eye to my angkle,my toe,my weak lung,my nose.......it seem every part of me got problem.
What i had done in my previous life or present life till God want to punish me like this?????
Ya,it cant be denied that my family loves me a lot.And i feel lucky for that.On the other hand i dont like with my family because of the family problems that appear.I always want to leave.Ofcourse i will care for my family too even thought i leave.But,will this make me a bad child?Not respected my parents??Well,what to do,im the only child,i have to sacrified many things just for my family's sake.
Sometimes when i think back those unhappy events on my family,think of myself again,i feel sad and stressful.It really driving me crazy.I never enjoy my life.People feel happy when going for a party,but me is the other way round.People talking happily,playing together and enjoys themselves,but me..........I dont feel happy at all.I like parties,just i cant enjoy it.
Sometimes go to the park,seeing those children running here and there playing around happily,i hope i can be like them,but i never have those memory.In my memory,most of the time im staying at home playing alone.Now,grow up already,i hope i can enjoy my teenage life,but i cant do what normal teenager do.Im as u too,im normal,but because im weak and being protected by my family,i cant enjoy much of the joys.
I also noticed that,the bigger im,my health descend a lot.Is this true??or i just think too much??
But why i will feel like i have no future??Is it i cant live long??Arhhhhhhh..........what im talking about,i will be fine,right??
Actually,im steadfast than other children of my age.I have face many problems,if other people face the same problem as me,maybe they will lost their mind.But is this true im steadfast and brave??Maybe true,but i can be very weak sometimes.I pretend to be happy all the times.Maybe there is nothing making me unhappy,but i will not feel happy.Well,there is also times im not pretending.Sometimes,i also dont know when im pretending,when im real.
Hope everyting return to normal soon,i also hope what im thinking is not true,hope it is just nonsense.
Only a small health problem will lead me to think negatively.I feel that im very unhealthy and i got many illness.Since small im very easy to fall sick,but those are just small matter like fever,coughing and flu.It is easy to be cured.But now,my sickness seem become more complicated.A small matter already need to see specialist and do many test.I dont understand why im the one who suffer a lot???Why me?????From my eye to my angkle,my toe,my weak lung,my nose.......it seem every part of me got problem.
What i had done in my previous life or present life till God want to punish me like this?????
Ya,it cant be denied that my family loves me a lot.And i feel lucky for that.On the other hand i dont like with my family because of the family problems that appear.I always want to leave.Ofcourse i will care for my family too even thought i leave.But,will this make me a bad child?Not respected my parents??Well,what to do,im the only child,i have to sacrified many things just for my family's sake.
Sometimes when i think back those unhappy events on my family,think of myself again,i feel sad and stressful.It really driving me crazy.I never enjoy my life.People feel happy when going for a party,but me is the other way round.People talking happily,playing together and enjoys themselves,but me..........I dont feel happy at all.I like parties,just i cant enjoy it.
Sometimes go to the park,seeing those children running here and there playing around happily,i hope i can be like them,but i never have those memory.In my memory,most of the time im staying at home playing alone.Now,grow up already,i hope i can enjoy my teenage life,but i cant do what normal teenager do.Im as u too,im normal,but because im weak and being protected by my family,i cant enjoy much of the joys.
I also noticed that,the bigger im,my health descend a lot.Is this true??or i just think too much??
But why i will feel like i have no future??Is it i cant live long??Arhhhhhhh..........what im talking about,i will be fine,right??
Actually,im steadfast than other children of my age.I have face many problems,if other people face the same problem as me,maybe they will lost their mind.But is this true im steadfast and brave??Maybe true,but i can be very weak sometimes.I pretend to be happy all the times.Maybe there is nothing making me unhappy,but i will not feel happy.Well,there is also times im not pretending.Sometimes,i also dont know when im pretending,when im real.
Hope everyting return to normal soon,i also hope what im thinking is not true,hope it is just nonsense.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
God's Will-fate
Everyone living in this world will have ups and downs time,it depends on how people deal with it.Nobody can live smoothly without having difficulty in life including me.I always thought that nothing bad would ever happen to me.Well,of course some comman bad luck might happen like fail in exam,fell down n bleed,quarrel with friends and family and etc.But,i never think something like accident,having disease or those serious cases would ever happen 2 me.
Last year after my nightmares(SPM),i went to work at a kindergarden near my house,i think it is fun and interesting since it was my first job,but when i went home i noticed that my right angkle is swollen.I dont pay much attention to it because i think maybe it was just spraining,so just left it.3 months past and my leg still didnt recover and it pains too.So,after my vacation,my dad brought me to hospital for examination.It was the 4th day of CNY.I went for xray and done MRI.When the xray film came out,i know something was wrong already but i pretend i dont know anyting so that my family wont feel sad.But once the MRI report came out and the doctor said i need to undergo an operation,i know i cant hide my feeling anymore.I started to cry in the hospital.My dad feel sad seeing me like that.There was something inside my bone,n part of my bone was missing.I ned to take out that "thing"(i dont know what it is) and take some of my hip bone plus artificial bone to refill the hole there.
After going home,i also cried and of course i feel scared too.I never expect this thing would ever happen to me.At night when lie on my bed,i too frightened to sleep.My mind started to think of those nonsense things.I wonder what if i cant wake up anymore the next day,what if i sleep till return to God,what if i cant wake up after the operation.........and what if i cant live till 18.From that day onwards,i only sleep after 1pm or making myself very tired before going to sleep.Well,in the first 3 night,i tried to comfort myself and i do sleep well.BUT the night before my operation,no matter what i do,i cant tear myself away from being fear,so i cried again.
Soon,the big day came,16 feb,i would not forget that 'special day".That is the last day i walk before undergo my operation. In the operation room,doctors doing their job,and me lying down on the bed and waiting for the doctor in charge to come.10 minutes later,i close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep.When i woke up,operation had done.But im too tired,so continue to sleep for the whole day.Since then i cant walk until i fully recover.At first,i cant accept it because im normal but cannot step on the floor.Sleep also hard.As times past,it slowly recover,and i slowly can walk a bit.I finally return to my normal life.
But now,i know that im a normal person that will face with challenges and ups and downs of life.I have to accept the fate giving by God.God giving me a weak body,and i should know how to take care of it.Not every thing is bad,just think positively,and be happy all the ways through our lifes.
Last year after my nightmares(SPM),i went to work at a kindergarden near my house,i think it is fun and interesting since it was my first job,but when i went home i noticed that my right angkle is swollen.I dont pay much attention to it because i think maybe it was just spraining,so just left it.3 months past and my leg still didnt recover and it pains too.So,after my vacation,my dad brought me to hospital for examination.It was the 4th day of CNY.I went for xray and done MRI.When the xray film came out,i know something was wrong already but i pretend i dont know anyting so that my family wont feel sad.But once the MRI report came out and the doctor said i need to undergo an operation,i know i cant hide my feeling anymore.I started to cry in the hospital.My dad feel sad seeing me like that.There was something inside my bone,n part of my bone was missing.I ned to take out that "thing"(i dont know what it is) and take some of my hip bone plus artificial bone to refill the hole there.
After going home,i also cried and of course i feel scared too.I never expect this thing would ever happen to me.At night when lie on my bed,i too frightened to sleep.My mind started to think of those nonsense things.I wonder what if i cant wake up anymore the next day,what if i sleep till return to God,what if i cant wake up after the operation.........and what if i cant live till 18.From that day onwards,i only sleep after 1pm or making myself very tired before going to sleep.Well,in the first 3 night,i tried to comfort myself and i do sleep well.BUT the night before my operation,no matter what i do,i cant tear myself away from being fear,so i cried again.
Soon,the big day came,16 feb,i would not forget that 'special day".That is the last day i walk before undergo my operation. In the operation room,doctors doing their job,and me lying down on the bed and waiting for the doctor in charge to come.10 minutes later,i close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep.When i woke up,operation had done.But im too tired,so continue to sleep for the whole day.Since then i cant walk until i fully recover.At first,i cant accept it because im normal but cannot step on the floor.Sleep also hard.As times past,it slowly recover,and i slowly can walk a bit.I finally return to my normal life.
But now,i know that im a normal person that will face with challenges and ups and downs of life.I have to accept the fate giving by God.God giving me a weak body,and i should know how to take care of it.Not every thing is bad,just think positively,and be happy all the ways through our lifes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
